Red eyes and red birds

Odd name for a title I know. There haven’t been many days in the last four months I haven’t woken up with red, swollen eyes from crying so much the night before. It has been the hardest, most painful thing I have gone through losing my dad. Night and weekends are when it hits the most now. I think because I’m not constantly chasing my boys around and my mind has time to think and wander and I end up upset. That explains the red eyes part of my title.

This weekend was Easter. The first Easter without my dad on this earth. Really the first time and holiday that our immediate family has been able to gather together since my dad passed away. We are all fully vaccinated and feel a little bit safer. Although I am still terrified of letting my guard down and potentially losing another loved one. However, even though I don’t like it, I have accepted that when God calls you home, there’s nothing stopping that. So I have been a little more at ease and trying to find a new normal.

I was really dreading the day. So scared of what my reaction would be to the empty chair, my dad not there cooking, and just the inevitable void that you can feel.

We decided to do something different and just order food. I didn’t do everything I normally would have done for the boys, but they didn’t know any different. It was a nice change and while we still celebrated the meaning of Easter, it didn’t feel like a full blown Easter gathering. It was nice just being together, but it was definitely a different atmosphere and we all missed my dad.

While we were eating I was looking outside and noticed a cardinal. I got so excited and we ran outside. My mom and I have been looking for cardinals ever since my dad passed away. There is a saying that talks about how cardinals are visitors from Heaven. I’m not exactly sure what I believe when it comes to that or how it works. I don’t think my dad is a bird now lol. However, I do believe he could have asked God to send us that little red bird on that day we were all together as a reminder he is still with us, cheering us on, and waiting for us to reunite with him in Heaven. That is what I am going to choose to believe. That cardinal stayed probably five minutes just chirping at us. I think it brightened the day for all of us. We laughed and joked about him looking down asking where all of his grills were and why we weren’t cooking out. (He would usually do ham or smoked turkey or ribs or something on one of the many grills he owned. And it was always delicious)

There were some tears today, as I expected there would be. But going to sleep tonight I’m thinking about that little red bird and the little bit of joy it brought to my mom, and the hope and promise of seeing my dad again someday. So while I know there are still going to be lots of tears in my future, I am going to go to sleep with the happy memories of today and wake up with out my normal red eyes tomorrow.

(Also, if this is not actually a cardinal...keep it to yourself and let me have this experience 😂 )