Mental Health and Memorial Day

I made a goal for myself to write at least one blog each month. I’ve been thinking a lot about what to write this month. Something usually just comes to me but it really hasn’t this time except for that May is mental health awareness month. I don’t want all of my blog posts to be sad and depressing, but I also want to be transparent. So here is something in between.

I have been struggling immensely with my mental health the last couple of months. Depression and anxiety have debilitated me more days than I can say. I’m thankful I have great support from not only my family but my doctors and counselor. I have talked before about how both depression and anxiety not only affect you mentally but physically as well. Depression causes me to not be able to get out of bed some days. Have to lay down in the middle of the day because everything is just too much sometimes. Anxiety has literally made me sick to the point where I’ve been to the ER several times the last 6 months. On top of panic attacks and just always feeling on edge. But at one of my recent appointments a doctor said to me, “it’s not always going to be like this. We are going to figure this out and you will feel like yourself again.” Honestly I don’t even remember what that feels like, but it gave me a little hope. Tonight I was on the verge of a panic attack and had to get out of bed and come to the living room. I looked through t-shirts of my dad’s that I took. I bawled looking at the shirts I made him about being a grandpa. He loved them and was the best grandpa. I cried because he’s not here, he won’t get to see my kids grow up. That really sucks because I know he would have continued to be so involved in our lives. I hate that he won’t be a part of everything from now on. I hate that next week is Memorial Day and will have a whole new meaning for our family. Feeling this way just made me really want a hug from him. But, I know he is watching us from Heaven which is so much better than here. He is whole and at peace and he left us here with lots of good memories to pass on. I’m clinging on to that but it still does not take away the pain. As I was having my meltdown, Logan was crying. I got him up and fed him so he would go back to sleep. As I sit here holding him while he sleeps I just can’t help but think about how perfect God’s timing is even when things are really hard. Don’t get me wrong, I am not happy with His timing on taking my dad away, but for whatever reasons I will never know, that was His plan. Anyway, I am so thankful Logan came when he did. We really expected to have another baby a few months later but God blessed us with him a little earlier. He came into the world fast and unexpected in the middle of the night and has been like a little tornado ever since. Because of all of this though, my dad got to meet Logan and love him for 2 months. I wish he could see him now, I know he would be so happy and laughing at how wild and curious he is. God knew my dad was going to leave this earth. He knew that I would be devastated. He knows the trauma we have been through the last 4 years. However, even though I feel like I haven’t fully been able to enjoy it, Logan has brought us so much joy in this time of sorrow. He has brought so much healing from past trauma. So I look at Logan and think I’m going to be ok. Maybe not tomorrow. Ok definitely not tomorrow. Or next week. But some day I will be okay and feel like my new self. My life without my dad in it. My new normal. I’ll be able to laugh more and enjoy life like I know my dad would want me to. Logan is my reminder of that tonight. As I always say in my closing paragraph I’m not really sure where this is going lol. Even though I hate it and I’m angry and sad, I trust in God’s plan. Looking at this sweet little sleeping boy has reminded me that I do trust His plan. So I am reminding myself it’s not always going to be this way. If you are struggling with depression or anxiety I just want you to know you’re not alone. There’s absolutely no shame in asking for help. You are wanted here and you are loved. I hope someday mental health care will be viewed the same as regular health care. Anyway, if you are struggling and don’t know where to start to get help, I would be more than happy to help connect you and give you the resources I have. If you made it this far, thanks for reading my ramblings again and I promise next months will be a happier post.