A Little Piece of Peace

If you aren’t following me on Facebook, I’ll give you a little backstory before I just spill out my life to you on here. If you’ve read my previous blog posts you know the struggles my little family has endured the last four years. I have been posting memories and my thoughts on Facebook, and will probably move them here to the blog, so this probably won't be in order. ANYWAY...

In November of last year, despite being extremely cautious (only going to work and home) my dad got Covid-19. He stayed at home for over a week and we thought he was getting over the worst part. Then he spent almost two weeks in the covid icu before passing away due to complications the virus caused the rest of his body. Needless to say, I’ve been beyond heartbroken and just trying to figure out how to live this new reality that I can’t seem to accept is actually reality. My depression and anxiety have been at an all time high and I’ve said countless times “I don’t know how or if I’ll ever be ok”. Our two boys (4 and 6 months) have not been sleeping well lately. The little one usually wants me in the middle of the night and the older one usually wants his dad. Well last night, our oldest wouldn’t calm down for my husband like he normally does and was asking for me by saying “mmmmm mmmm”. So I went and laid down with him while playing the song “Hills and Valleys” by Tauren Wells. He’s been in the hospital countless times since he was 2 months old. This has always been what calms him down, and if I’m being honest - it has always brought me comfort as well. I’m not really sure what exactly it was. My son looking at me and smiling, listening to the words of the song, or being the only person able to comfort my child in the middle of the night but something clicked with me. I listened to the words closely again even though I know them by heart at this point. “I have held your blessings God you give and take away. On the mountains I will bow my life to the one who set me there. In the valley I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there. When I’m standing on the mountain, I didn’t get there on my own. When I’m walking through the valley I know I am not alone.” Even though I’ve heard these lyrics so many times, in that moment being the only one to comfort my son, I realized several things. I’ve been so frustrated feeling like I’m not feeling or hearing God in this situation. (My husband has pointed out that He is working and answering my prayers and I believe that but haven’t seen it until it was pointed out to me) But my son turned to me for comfort. I was the only one at that time who could help and comfort him. That’s what God is to us and wants to be to us, all of his children. I held my son a little tighter when I heard “I have held your blessings, God you give and take away”. My dad was taken away and it’s really hard for me to understand or accept why that was God’s plan for him. But because of lots of prayers, miracles, and God’s will my son is still here. Even though I’m in a “valley” right now, God is the same God He was back in September and October when I was on the mountain. He is still good. I knew all of this already of course but something just clicked in that moment in the middle of the night and I realized I AM going to be ok. It will be different, and I will be changed, but I will be ok. This is not to say I won’t have bad days or breakdowns, because I assure you I will. But I believe this moment was God using my little miracle boy to give me a little bit of peace that I’ve been begging Him for.